


Take Me Home, Country Roads

by youmockussir



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Road Trip, Aromantic Mama, Fluff and Humor, Hollis has PTSD, Jewish Joseph Stern, Minerva Learns Earth Culture, Multi, Sapphic Juno Divine, Secret Relationship, TAZ: Amnesty - Freeform, Texting, Trans Duck Newton, Unrequited Love, Vaping, i just want that good good friendship juice
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:13:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 14,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25095160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youmockussir/pseuds/youmockussir
Summary: “McDonalds! McDonalds!” Aubrey cries, pointing. Jake and Hollis join in the chant. “McDonalds! McDonalds! McDonalds!” Minerva is delighted by this, and also chants “McDonalds!” It sounds entirely foreign in her mouth, but she seems happy to be included.Duck sighs and flips on his turn signal, and the RV explodes in cheers as he pulls into the drive-thru.He orders one black coffee for himself, and drives back onto the open road.// or, ROAD TRIP BABEY
Relationships: Barclay/Agent Stern (The Adventure Zone), Dani/Aubrey Little, Indrid Cold/His Vape, Jake Coolice/Hollis, Juno Divine & Duck Newton, Juno Divine/Duck Newton/Minerva, Mama & Thacker (The Adventure Zone), Minerva/Duck Newton
Comments: 50
Kudos: 85





	1. The Portal Opens

**Author's Note:**

> The context for this story is that, after the events of the finale, the portal between worlds can be opened once a year. Aubrey, Dani, Thacker, and Indrid Cold come back to spend a year on Earth, just around the time folks decide to head to Brazil. The result is one disastrous road trip.
> 
> Basically, I just wanted an excuse to write a bunch of characters goofing around. Also, I miss going outside.
> 
> Chapter CW's: some brief references to alcohol in the context of a party. mention of vaping.

“Are you sure this is safe?”

Sarah glaces at Duck, knowing this is neither the first nor the last time he’ll ask this question today. 

“Yeah, Duck.” She says. “I’ve been working on this for a year now. I’ve thought of everything that could go wrong, and made backups of everything, like, twice. I’m begging you, chill the fuck out.”

Duck sits on a stool next to her as she works. He wiggles anxiously every few minutes, scooting the rotating top of the stool back and forth. 

“I’m sorry, you’re right.” He looks down at his worn hiking boots. “I just worry.”

As long as she’s known him, Duck has always been a worry-wart. But Sarah is prepared. She’s done as much research on the arch as possible, which is a significant amount. She’s spent late nights pouring over books, repeating calculations over and over again, cross-referencing old physics textbooks and scientific articles. It wasn’t an easy job, certainly, but it was one that she was qualified for. Probably the one most qualified for it, actually. 

Plus, she’d had help from Minerva. The taller woman (?) was more warrior than mathlete, but had a profound understanding of wormhole physics that Sarah treasured more than any equation sheet. 

“There is no need to worry, Duck Newton, Doctor Sarah Drake and I have achieved great mathematical precision on the portal.”

Duck smiles. “Now that I’m certain of.”

With one final code file imported into the terminal, Sarah wipes her sweaty hands on her lab coat and stands up. 

“It’s ready.”

Duck pales, and nods his head. “I’ll get the crew.”

He opens the thick steel door behind him and lets in a small group of mismatched folks. The woman Sarah has come to know as Mama removes her wide-brimmed straw hat and holds it to her chest. Beside her, Jake Coolice bounces on his toes, light-up sketchers flicking on and off with his untamed energy. The third person, a tall man wearing a worn flannel, tugs his thick, curly hair into a loose ponytail.

“It’s time?” drawls Mama in her homey Appalachian accent, and Sarah nods. 

“Are you ready?” It’s a rhetorical question, of course. It doesn’t matter if they’re ready. The portal is opening. She hits enter on the dusty beige keyboard. 

The sound of powerful electromagnets picks up, buzzing around and around the archway. Sarah flicks a few levers, and light pours out.

They see four figures silhouetted against the growing brightness. Well, five figures, if you count the rabbit-shaped shadow.

The portal whirrs, and just as soon as it opened, it closes again. The light is gone, and they hear Aubrey Little’s voice say,

“Holy fucking shit Jake, what are those?!”

* * *

Aubrey leans across the counter of Amnesty Lodge’s humble bar. Well, it’s less of a bar and more of three fold-out tables that Barclay is sitting inside of, barricading himself in with cases of miscellaneous beverages. 

“Hey, hot stuff,” Barclay winks, sipping something blue with a curly straw. “What can I get started for you?”

Aubrey snorts. “Calm down, underpaid Taco-Bell drive thru worker.”

Barclay shrugs. “Let it never be said that Amnesty Lodge has bad customer service.”

At this, Aubrey reaches over the table and grabs two clear glass bottles of cider. “I’ve said that so many times!” She smacks each of them on the table in a downwards motion until the caps fly off. “Once I found a vape pen in my room two months after I’d been living there. Who was vaping in my room?”

“Ah, that may have been me,” Indrid slides by wearing a short-sleeved button up with lamps on it. He walks away without any further explanation. 

“I did have a bottle opener,” said Barclay to the back of Aubrey’s head as she turned to follow. “Ah, forget it.”

He feels a warm hand on his shoulder. “How’s the bartending?” He looks up to see Joseph Stern above him.

“No one ever tips me.” Barclay jokes, and Joseph giggles quietly. “Yeah?” He motions for Barclay to get up, which he does. 

Joseph takes him by the waist and dips him, ballroom style. Well, he tries, but Barclay is heavy. Instead, the two men tumble to the ground, knocking over a few cans of sprite. Their noses bump together awkwardly and Barclay smacks his head against the floor.

Barclay groans, rubbing at his hair. “Dude…” 

“Ah, I’m so sorry,” Joseph stumbles. “I thought it would be romantic and I’ve been working out but I guess it hasn’t been enough and now you’re all dirty and-”

Barclay takes his hand. “Hey. No worries. Come sit.” He gestures to the table setup. Joseph smiles.

Across the room, Aubrey pauses her argument with the mothman when she hears a clattering noise. She looks over to see Joseph Stern sprawled on the floor, having sat on the folding table wrong and tipped it over on top of him. He gives an awkward thumbs up to the room of people watching him. 

* * *

Mama watches the lodge dance around her. It hasn’t been full of life like this in a while. Not since everything that happened last year. She sees Aubrey and Dani attempt to teach a handful of hornets to square dance. She sees Minerva and Barclay arm-wrestling while Duck and Joseph watch on, torn between cheering and grimacing in horror. She sees Thacker. Oh, how she’s missed Thacker. 

He looks over and notices Mama’s gaze, grinning all cheesy. She waves him over. 

“Madeline, fancy seeing you here.”

Thacker tosses her a coke and sits in the folding chair next to her. 

She laughs. “Dipshit.”

“What, your empty nester syndrome gets all cured up and now you can’t be nice to dear old Thacker?”

It hasn’t been lonely for Mama, exactly, over the last year. She certainly hasn’t been alone, but sometimes she felt an ache for friends that were barely real, anymore. It’s strange to have that lifted so immediately. She feels the phantom pains of the loneliness that had vanished as soon as the portal reopened. It felt great, but it felt wrong, too.

“Shut your entire goddamn mouth, Thacker, before I shove this can so far down you’ll be shitting aluminum for  _ days, son _ .”

* * *

“It’s just weird, you know?” says Jake Coolice, sipping his Shirley Temple through a curly straw. “Like, I kind of got used to them not being here, and, like, I’m glad that they are, but it’s wack. you feel?”

He sits next to Hollis, putting his scuffed-up sketchers in their lap. Hollis wrinkles their nose.

“Gross, dude, get your nasty feet off me!” They shove his feet to the ground but scoot their chair closer. 

“Yeah whatever, you’re just being dramatic so I won’t tell anyone about your secret foot fetish.”

“I don’t have a foot fetish! Jesus, Jake, buy a goddamn ottoman if you can’t sit like a normal human person.”

Jake snorts his drink through his nose, coughing hysterically.

“You’re one to talk, Mx. ‘I can’t sit on a chair I’m bisexual’.” He wheezes through coughs. “Also, normal human person? Are you super committed to that bit? Are you? Are you, Hollis?”

Their giggling overtakes the duo until both are cackling on the floor. Just as they finally calm down, Joseph Stern trips over Hollis’s outstretched leg and yeets his drink clear across the room. It lands on a bamboozled mothman, and the giggles start again. 

* * *

“So what’s it like, living on another planet?” Duck asks as Aubrey settles in next to him.

It’s late, and the party has begun to disperse. Duck can see Barclay and Mama collecting the recycling from around the room. Jake Coolice roots around in a linen closet until he pulls out a sleeping roll and throws it at Hollis. Thacker is asleep on a lawn chair. 

“Kinda super weird, kinda normal,” says Aubrey. “Like, sometimes I feel like it should have been a bigger adjustment. You ever think it’s weird that they just happen to speak English over there?”

Duck frowns. “Wait, yeah, what the fuck?”

“But then other times there’s stuff that they do that’s just so much different than here.” Aubrey pauses for a moment, crunching on some pretzels. “Like apparently it’s bad manners to eat with your mouth full?”

“That’s bad manners here too, Lady Flame-”

“-but I do know one thing for sure.”

“Hm?” Duck looks up. “What’s that?”

Aubrey grins. 

“It’s great to be back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (hopefully) updates every sunday :)
> 
> I'm having a hard time coming up with a decent summary. If y'all have any ideas feel free to comment them below <3


	2. Forests and Sub Sandwiches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Juno ponders a decision. Minerva experiences the Subway Sandwich. Someone gay panics.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: food. mentioned food scarcity

Juno has always liked Duck as a forest partner. She’s worked with most of the rangers in the Monongahela at some point or another, but none are as quietly competent as Duck. 

Now, Duck holds an ID nail against the side of a particularly sickly-looking black oak while she hammers it in. Satisfied with their work, Juno leans back, cracking her spine as she goes. 

“Hngghhh.”

“You okay there, grandma?” Duck teases. 

“Shut up,” Juno sticks her tongue out at him. “You go to bed at, like, 7 PM, grandpa.”

“I once watched you play bingo for three hours-”

“You have four pairs of reading glasses-”

“You’re bad at shuffleboard-”

“You’re _good_ at shuffleboard-”

“Duck Newton? Juno Divine?” A voice calls out from across the forest, interrupting their squabble. “I believe I have found a Black Locust!”

Duck hoists his forestry bag over one shoulder. “We’ll be right there, Minnie.”

Juno side-eyes him. “Why is she looking for black locusts?”

“I don’t know. I gave her the Tree Identification Guide and told her to go nuts. She said she was interested in,” Duck puts up some finger quotes, “ ‘Earth Flora’, and I figured it’d be the easiest way for her to study it.”

The two rangers follow the direction of Minerva’s voice. 

“So I hear a group of folks from the volunteer troops are heading to Brazil soon,” Juno says, eyes fixed straight ahead.

“Oh?” Duck frowns.

“Yeah, they’re helping out with the fires. Planting trees, and stuff.”

Duck’s eyebrows knit together. “Good on them.” 

“Yeah.”

The sound of leaves crunching under their boots is deafening.

“Juno…” Duck trails off. “Do you think you’re gonna go, too?”

Juno has been hesitant to bring this up. She hasn’t made her decision yet, but some part of her wants to hear what Duck has to say. He’s her best friend, above everything else, and she treasures his opinion more than anything.

She settles on, “Maybe?” She doesn’t take her eyes off the trees ahead. “Sometimes I feel like I need to get away from Kepler. Like I need a break to rediscover who I am outside of…” She coughs. “Outside of everything here.”

Duck stops walking and puts a warm hand on her shoulder. “Junebug, if that’s what you need then I think you should go.”

Her eyes flit up to meet his. “You think so?”

He smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Yeah. I’ll miss you, though.”

They keep walking.

“I’m still deciding. It’s not a definite thing or anything. But I’ll let you know, Goose.”

 _Duck is right, though,_ she thinks as they spot Minerva, who waves excitedly. She needs to go. She needs to escape Kepler and everything that it holds for her. Even if she’s not ready to admit what that is just yet.

* * *

“After you, Duck Newton and Juno Divine!” Minerva opens the swinging glass door with a grand gesture. She’s recently taken to reading Duck Newton’s heirloom collection of 1950’s etiquette books as a way to better understand Earth culture. She has been nailing the art of chivalry, if she does say so herself.

Duck Newton colors slightly, and tips his hat. “Thanks, Minnie,” he mumbles, and follows Juno Divine in through the open door. 

Inside the restaurant, there’s a long table covered in different foods, and a gloved woman standing behind it. 

“Welcome to Subway, what can I ma-” the woman looks up and makes eye contact with Minerva, instantly forgetting the rest of the sentence. She turns a redder color, which makes the silver piercings stand out against her gaping mouth. 

“Uh,” the woman says. “Sandwich?”

“Yeah, thanks,” says Duck Newton, walking up to her. “Can I have a veggie delight please?”

This shakes the woman out of her stupor, and she appears able to continue her professional duties.

“Sure, cheese?”

As she and Duck Newton discuss sandwich options, Minerva sees exactly the kinds of foods on the table. Fresh vegetables of all kinds are sorted into dozens of small metal boxes, and her eyes widen. On Five, fresh fruits and vegetables were a luxury, as watery plants were so hard to grow in the arid climate. Minerva has never seen this many in the same place at once. Another Earth privilege to get used to, she supposes.

With Duck Newton’s sandwich all wrapped up, the woman -- “sandwich artist”, as her shirt says -- looks back to Minerva.

“What, ah, what would you like?” She seems to be shaking a little. 

“I…” Minerva realizes she doesn’t quite know what to say. 

Duck Newton comes back to her. “She’s never been to a Subway before.” He explains to the sandwich artist.

The woman is taken aback. “Wait, really? How?” 

“Uh, she’s uh, she’s from Maine. Fuck. Canada. Fuck, No, she’s from, uh, not America. Fuck. Um. She’s from, uh, Antarctica? No, wait. Fuck. Tatooine. Uh-”

Juno Divine thankfully butts in. “She’s not from around here.” She says gracefully. 

The woman, whose spiked blue hair seems to be quivering with her, explains to Minerva how the process works, and soon the trio sits at a booth across the room. Her sandwich is piled high with every topping available, and she begins to strategize how to take a bite without spilling any. It will be a challenge. Minerva doesn’t back down from a good challenge.

As the sandwich artist flees to the back room, Juno Divine smirks into her soda.

“That’s what we in the business call ‘gay panic’.” 

Duck Newton snorts into his sandwich. Minerva frowns. 

“Do you think I frightened the sandwich artist, Juno Divine?” Minerva looks down. “I was not trying to be threatening.” She’d been trying so hard to blend in, to learn Earth culture, and she’s terrified it’s been futile. Maybe it doesn’t matter how hard she tries, if she sticks out like a blue thumb anyway.

Duck Newton puts a hand on her shoulder. “No, Minnie, that’s not it.”

She sighs, and says, resigned. “Isn’t it? She looks just as afraid as Aubrey Little did when we first met.”

“Oh my god,” says Juno Divine.

“Minnie, honey, Aubrey wasn’t afraid of you.” Duck Newton awkwardly rubs her shoulder. 

“She thought you were smoking hot, probably,” says Juno Divine with a mouthful of sandwich. “Total babe. A snack.”

“I mean, I would have said it more tactfully than that,” Duck Newton is blushing, again. “But yeah that’s pretty much what happened.”

"A sight for sore eyes," continues Juno Divine. "A hot piece of ass."

“Oh.” says Minerva. “ _Oh._ ”

“She gets it.” Juno Divine nods. “Duck, your girlfriend is a sapphic daydream.”

Duck Newton flounders around the word girlfriend for a few moments, but Minerva has more important things on her mind.

“So the sandwich artist wasn’t afraid of me either! Oh, what a relief!” She grins, chomping down on her overflowing sandwich in delight. A little dressing splats onto the plate, bouncing back onto Duck Newton’s khaki shirt. 

“Aw, shit.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops turns out i can't stick to a schedule


	3. Mario Kart and Dinner Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mama watches her family. Barclay and Joseph sweeten up the kitchen. Minerva learns some slang. Juno announces her decision.

Mama has known her entire life that she’d never be a mother in a “traditional” sense. This never bothers her. She still wonders, though, as she watches her family buzz around her, if this is what it feels like to be surrounded by her own children. She thinks so. The thought makes her smile. 

She also wonders when she started to refer to herself as Mama in her own thoughts. Geez, Madeline, way to be weird about it.

Aubrey had dragged her old gamecube console into the Amnesty lobby, and found herself immediately swarmed by Hornets who wanted to play Mario Kart  _ like, so bad Aubrey pleeease? _ Soon, the old TV in the corner was hooked up and surrounded by excited young folk. 

As Aubrey explains to a confused Joseph Stern how the game controller works, Mama’s gaze sweeps to the young person sitting cross-legged on the floor, leaning casually on Jake Coolice’s legs. She hasn’t always been such a fan of Hollis, but she’s grown awful fond of them after everything that went down last year. 

She worries about Jake, obviously, but she worries about Hollis in equal amounts. The foolish, youthful person they had been is gone. In their place is a version four feet back of what they used to be. They smiled, but had deep bags under their eyes. They spent time with Jake, but looked at him like they thought he was gonna vanish. They laughed, but it was quieter than before. Like they were afraid something bad would hear them. 

Still, she’s happy that Hollis and Jake had reconciled. It’s good for the both of them, she thinks. A mother’s instinct.

She’s also happy when Indrid annihilates absolutely everybody in Mario Kart. That shit’s just hilarious. He is not a good sport about it, either.

* * *

Barclay sets down the last steaming casserole dish on a potholder and wipes his brow. It’s a warm one today, and there’s still several hours before the sun goes down. Still, it’s nice to be able to turn off the oven, even though it doesn’t do much in the way of cooling things down.

“Nice apron,” says Joseph from behind him, snaking his arms around Barclay’s waist. He had given up on Mario Kart pretty early on, it seems. 

Barclay looks down to see his “Bigfoot Believes in You Too” apron. He snorts.

“Oh, this was a gift from Jake a few years ago.”

“Of course it was. I love it.”

Barclay turns around and puts his wide hands on Joseph’s hips. 

“Mario Kart just wasn’t for you?” He teases.

“Not even a little bit,” says Joseph. “It seems that I’m terrible at all forms of driving.”

Barclay winces, remembering a particularly bad parking job at the Stop ‘n Pump ‘n Shop. That basketball hoop will likely never recover. “I could have told you that.”

Joseph squints at him. “Rude.” He seems to remember something. “Is Mama around?”

“Nah, she’s in the lobby.”

Joseph relaxes, just barely enough to be noticeable.

“Good, then I can do this.”

He leans in and presses the softest kiss on Barclay’s lips. His breath tastes like tic tacs and  _ him  _ and Barclay drinks it all in. They part with a smile.

They had started seeing each other before the events of last year. It was funny, Barclay thought. A man spends his career searching for bigfoot and unknowingly falls in love with him instead. It’s like something you would make a movie about. Or maybe a podcast, because heaven forbid a movie has more than one queer character. 

They had kept their relationship a secret all throughout the events of last year. Joseph was worried that Mama wouldn’t approve, and Barclay didn’t want to have that conversation with anyone just yet. After everything went down, Joseph had felt guilty about his role in the FBI takeover. It wasn’t his fault, Barclay had reassured him, but Joseph still didn’t feel comfortable revealing their relationship to everyone. And so, a year later, they were still keeping the relationship under wraps. At this point, it was more out of habit than anything.

Barclay really doesn’t mind. He’s a pretty private man. 

“Ask me for some sugar,” says Joseph with mischief in his eyes.

Barclay shoots him a confused look. "You'd better not mess up my casserole."

“Ask me for some sugar,” Joseph repeats.

“Uh, okay,” Barclay shrugs. “Give me some sugar, please.”

Joseph kisses him again.

* * *

“Kids, dinner’s ready!” 

Thank goodness. Dani is starving. Well, not starving in the ‘need to take a dip in the springs’ sort of way, but in the ‘wow I could kill for some beans’ way. 

Dani knows what they’re having for dinner tonight, of course. She, Barclay, and Joseph do the grocery shopping together once a week. Between Duck’s lactose intolerance, her veganism, Joseph’s kosher requirements, and Aubrey’s “selective vegetarianism,” Barclay had struggled to fit everything into one meal. Now, he typically makes two dinner options for the Amnesty squad. Dani is very grateful for the accommodation, and she’s sure Leo Tarkesian is grateful for the business. 

Aubrey pulls up a chair next to her, holding her hand under the table. With the other hand, she picks up a piece of garlic bread and tastefully sets it on fire.

“Aubrey, what did I tell you about magic at the dinner table?” scolds Barclay. 

She flips him off. “Whatever, crypto-dad.”

God, Dani loves her.

* * *

Minerva practically kicks down the door into the lodge.

“What’s up, sluts?”

This is it, Duck thinks. He died today, and this is some purgatory fever dream. What the actual fuck is going on. 

Juno cackles. “Oh good,” she wheezes. “You did the readings I sent you.” 

Minerva beams. “They were very enlightening, Juno Divine! Informative AF. ”

Duck turns sharply and leans in  _ real close  _ to Juno. “What. The  _ fuck _ .  _ Did you do _ ?”

Juno takes a sharp breath before stepping nose-to-nose with him. She whispers, “Buzzfeed, bitch.” 

“I hate you.”

“No you don’t.”

Inside, the Hornets wave at the trio. Most of them are sitting on the floor with a bowl of ice cream in hand. Jake doesn’t have one, but steals bits of Hollis’s when he thinks they aren’t looking. Duck can see that Hollis absolutely notices, but pretends not to. 

“Hey, you made it!” Barclay waves. “We’ve got extra ice cream and popsicles if y’all want!” Beside him, Joseph eats Haagen-Dazs straight out of the pint with a tiny spoon. 

“Oh dip!” says Minerva, bolting towards the kitchen.

“I actually hate you,” Duck snatches a bomb pop off the table. “You are the literal worst.” 

“Yeah, whatever.” Juno says, taking the popsicle out of Duck’s hands and popping it into her mouth. She slurps it loudly, and says. “You’ll miss my evil ways, I guarantee it.”

Duck remembers their earlier conversation. Damn, that really puts a damper on what could have been lighthearted ribbing. “About that,” he starts, but Juno interrupts.

“Yeah.” She stops slorping. “Yeah, I made a decision.”

Duck waits. She doesn’t say anything else.

“And the decision is…?”

“I’m going. But I don’t want to talk about it right now, if that’s cool?” Juno bites on the popsicle. “Fuck. Fuck! Holy shit that’s cold as balls! Jesus motherfucking tits fudge-packing dick barnacles-”

As Juno’s profanity decorates Amnesty Lodge, Duck knows that she’s right. He’s gonna miss her so much. Damn, like, he knew this was coming, at least as a possibility. This hurts. A wave of sadness (maybe? disappointment? preemptive loneliness?) hits him. What’s he gonna do without his best friend?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still taking suggestions for the work summary. comment below if u got em. love u


	4. Pine Trees and BEES?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minerva defeats a home invader. Aubrey lets something slip. Duck gets added to the group chat.

Minerva hears a rustling in the kitchen. She stills, as her many years of stealth training have taught her to do, and listens. Home invasion? According to the television programs she has been watching, those are much more common here on Earth than they were on Five. She smirks. This burglar chose the wrong apartment to thieve.

She pads slowly out of her room (really, Duck’s old office with a thrift-store bed). The lights in the kitchen are off, giving her the advantage. She knows the layout of this kitchen eyes-closed, and the thief almost certainly does not. 

She stands still. Listening. The sound of metal scraping against something. She sees a figure and…

One.

Two.

Three.

She strikes.

“Ah!” cries Duck Newton through a mouthful of beans. He hits the floor with a _thwack_.

“Duck Newton!” Minerva cries. “I am terribly sorry! I thought you were a home invader!”

Duck Newton picks himself up off the floor and switches on the kitchen lights. A bowl of cold baked beans sits on the kitchen counter, thankfully less fallen than Duck Newton himself.

“Jesus Minnie,” he says, putting his spoon into the sink and grabbing a clean one. “It’s okay. It’s okay. Just. Ouch.”

Minerva grabs him by the shoulders and checks him over for any visible injuries. He seems to be experiencing a variety of negative emotions, but is physically unharmed.

“What are you doing, Duck Newton?” Minerva asks. The clock says 1:30 A.M., which Minerva has come to understand is not a typical bean-eating time for humans.

Duck Newton sighs, and sits back on his stool. “Just thinkin’,” he says, looking solemnly at his bean bowl. 

“Yeah?” Minerva says, and then says nothing else. Joseph Stern had once taught her that the best way to know what someone was thinking was to ask a question and then leave an abundance of awkward silence.

If Duck Newton has not figured out this trick yet, Minerva doubts he ever will.

“Yeah,” he says after a calculatedly awkward silence. “I’ve been thinking about Juno. About Brazil.”

“You’re going to miss her.” It’s not a question, but an observation.

“Yeah. She’s my best friend, Minnie,” he sniffs. “I haven’t spent more than two weeks without seeing her in my entire life. I’m scared, a little.” He wipes his hand across his cheek, and Minerva realizes he is crying. 

“This is difficult for you, Duck Newton. I am sorry.” Minerva puts a thick hand on his shoulder and moves her thumb in a slow half-arc. 

“Thanks, Minnie,” Duck Newton gives a watery smile. If Minerva feels something tug in her chest, well, she chooses to address that later. “I kind of wish I could go with her.”

Minerva frowns. “What is holding you back?”

* * *

**Rubber Duckie <3 **: Hey Junebug! I’ve given it some thought and I’m going to join the Brazil trip! Guess you’re stuck with me after all haha

Juno stares at her phone. _Shit._

  
  


* * *

Duck watches Minerva make herself a tea. She is methodical, as she is with everything, but there’s tension in her muscular frame. 

“Are you gonna be okay here, Minnie?”

Minerva looks up and rolls her eyes. “Yes, Duck Newton. I do know how to handle myself. Aubrey Little has been teaching me about Meme Culture!” Duck can hear the capitals in her voice.

“Great. No way that can go wrong.” Duck mutters. “But what I meant was, are you gonna be good all by yourself?”

There’s shade in her eyes when she answers. “You have no obligations to me, Duck Newton. I value the kindness you have gifted me so far, but I will be fine on my own.” She takes a sip of her tea. “I’ve been meaning to travel, anyway. There’s so much Earth to see.”

“Great, then.”

“Great, indeed.”

An awkward silence.

“Do y-”

“Although-”

They laugh. 

“Finish your thought, Duck Newton,” Minerva waves her hand.

“Did you want to come with?”

* * *

“Is that even coffee?”

Aubrey smacks the back of Duck’s head. 

“Okay, boomer.”

“I’m just saying, coffee isn’t normally that shade of green…” 

“When I was your age, coffee was 5 cents and I had to grind it with my toenails,” Aubrey deepens and slows her voice, a perfect Duck impression. 

Duck shakes his head fondly and takes his tea from her. “Gross.”

The two of them sit outside Kepler Koffee, taking in the morning sun. It’s a warm Saturday, and the breeze is cool enough to goosebump but warm enough to waft the fresh-baked bread smell. It’s nice.

“So when are you leaving?” Aubrey asks, failing to put the straw in her mouth. It pokes her repeatedly in the face.

“Uh, week or so?” Duck does some mental math. “I’ve been thinking of driving down to Miami to take a flight outta there. Cheaper, and whatever.”

Aubrey’s eyes light up. “Did you say ROAD TRIP?”

“No-”

“Duck we should do a road trip! It’ll be so much fun and a great time to hang out with you since I’m only back for a year and I’ve _always_ wanted to go to Miami and maybe Dani could come along and Minerva would LOVE that and-”

As Aubrey rambles on, she texts the group chat under the table. They have _got_ to get in on this. 

  
  


* * *

**[Pine Trees and BEES?]**

9:31 AM

🔥 **Aubrey** 🔥: would anyone be into a road trip to miami?

* * *

“Okay so uh,” Aubrey checks her phone again, to triple-check. “I texted the group chat and now everyone wants to come.”

Duck frowns. “What group chat?”

“You know, ‘Pine Trees and BEES?’ It’s got like, everyone in it.”

“Everyone except me,” Duck grumbles.

She opens her mouth and closes it again. And then she opens it, because that’s how talking works. “We’ll talk later. But like. _Everyone wants to come on your road trip_.”

“Who’s everyone, exactly?”

Aubrey scrolls up through her phone. “Uh, Hollis and Jake, Dani, Barclay, Mama-”

Duck puts a hand up. “Wait, _Mama’s_ in the group chat but you forgot me?”

“She knows her way around a meme, Duck,” Aubrey shrugs. “What can I say?”

“Well,” Duck ponders this for a second. “I did feel bad about leaving while y’all are on your sabbatical here. And it would be safer to split up the drive…”

* * *

**[Pine Trees and Hornets (fuck bees)]**

10:23 AM

🔥 **Aubrey** 🔥 _added_ **Duck Newton** _to the group_

 **Holly Jolly:** hey why’d you add the narc?

 **🔥Aubrey🔥** : shut up hollis

 **MINERVA:** DUCK NEWTON! HOW GREAT OF YOU TO JOIN US

 **Duck Newton:** … none of y’all thought to add me huh

 **Dani 💖💋💅** : no offense duck but sometimes i forget you exist

 **Duck Newton:** thanks, dani

 **Dani 💖💋💅:** 😘

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by the balance fic where angus eats baked beans at 3 am after breaking into taako’s house.


	5. Road Trip Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hollis and Jake are PUMPED for this road trip. Aubrey is a little anxious. Duck uses a chalkboard. Indrid has a foot fetish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter CW's: Hollis has a panic attack as a consequence of the violent attack on the hornet's nest, though the violence is not actually described. Indrid vapes.

Hollis wonders how much time they’ve spent in Amnesty Lodge. Has it always been this much? This frequent? They suppose Jake has something to do with that, and Aubrey’s return certainly hasn’t hurt. Jake has taken to inviting them over for sleepovers in his room here, and Hollis can’t say no to that. Well, they also don’t want to say no, even though the sleepovers tend to edge closer to preteen activities than Hollis usually has the stomach for. 

Now, Hollis sits next to Jake on a particularly uncomfortable folding chair. Jake and them had helped set up a meeting area in the lobby to discuss the upcoming road trip.

Holy shit! Road trip! Hollis is so fucking pumped. They haven’t gone on a road trip in  _ forever _ , not since before Jake’s falling out with the Hornets. It’s been years, and Hollis is practically bouncing in their chair. 

They look at Jake, to their left. He’s just chilling, as Jake is wont to do. He turns to Hollis, and his blue eyes sparkle. 

“Road trip!” Jake whispers, barely containing his excitement. Hollis gives an enthusiastic grin and two thumbs up. Well, most of two thumbs up. 

To their right, Aubrey and Dani have their chairs pulled so close together it’s practically a folding loveseat. They murmur a conversation that Hollis can’t hear, and based on the lovey-dovey look in their eyes, probably doesn’t want to hear. Duck, Juno, and Minerva each sit in their own chairs across the chair-circle. There are still a few empty seats. 

A loud cracking sound echoes in the lobby, and Hollis takes a sharp breath. Their eyes dart desperately across the room. Trying to spot the source of danger before it spots them. They see movement across the room. They start to stand, desperate to shield Jake. They can’t lose him too. How can it be back? How can the monster be back? They thought they were safe. 

They’re to their feet and they feel something grab their arm. Hollis turns, ready to fight, and they see-

Jake. Jake, holding onto their forearm and looking concerned.

“Holly?” He says with big, round eyes. “It’s okay, Holly, it’s just Joseph.”

Hollis still feels frantic (can’t Jake see they’re in danger?) but turns to look. Sure enough, Joseph Stern is bending over a thick wooden vase he had dropped. Barclay stands beside him, shaking his head.

Hollis takes one more look around the room. They take a shaky breath, and sit down, heart pounding in their ears.

Jake’s hand stays on their arm, and rubs tiny circles into it. Well. That does help ground them. A little. It’s easier to stay in the present when there’s a physical tether.

* * *

“I just don’t know,” says Aubrey, feet tangled with Dani’s. Her orange eyes look nervously into Dani’s blue ones. “Like, I want to help out, and I want to hang out more with Duck and Minerva.”

“I do love the rainforest,” murmurs Dani.

“But I’m worried that I would mess up, somehow, and just set more trees on fire. I don’t want to make it worse!”

Although Aubrey had spent a lot of time over the past year practicing her powers, there’s still a part of her that’s afraid of what she can do. A part that is terrified of damage and flame.

“It might be good for you,” suggests Dani. “Like, exposure therapy, or something.”

Aubrey doesn’t think Dani knows exactly what exposure therapy is, but she does have a point. Maybe helping the aftermath of the fires in Brazil will be cathartic. Maybe it’ll help her with her fears. Still, she would never forgive herself if something went wrong and someone got hurt because of her. Because of her, again.

“We don’t have to decide right now, either,” says Dani, letting go of Aubrey’s hand to take a sip of her smoothie. It’s green, and Aubrey thinks it looks disgusting, but she seems to like it. 

“You’re right.” Aubrey says. “Hey, has anyone ever told you how wise you are?”

“Constantly,” Dani deadpans. “I can’t go anywhere without someone asking me to teach a philosophy class. I haven't been to a McDonalds in 50 years.”

* * *

Duck stands up once everyone is seated.

“Hey y’all,” he says. “I’m Duck Newton, but you all know that.” He realizes he hadn’t actually prepared what he was going to say before standing up. “Uh. So. You all have invited yourselves to my road trip, apparently.” Juno snorts behind him, eyes mirthful with irony lost on him. “Do. Uh. Do you all actually want to come to Brazil, or did you just want the road trip to Miami?”

Everyone begins talking at once.

“Wait, wait, now hang on-” Duck starts. No one hangs on.

“SHUT UP!” says Aubrey, and everyone shuts up.

“Thanks, Aubrey.” He nods. “Let’s go one at a time. Mama?”

Mama nods. “I can’t leave Amnesty for too long, but I think I deserve a vacation.” The circle nods at this. “ I want to join for the road trip, but not Brazil. Thacker will take care of the lodge while I’m gone.”

Duck takes a piece of chalk, and adds “Mama” to the chalkboard list titled “Miami.” 

“Barclay?”

Barclay says, ”Just to Miami. Same reason.”

And Joseph says, “Same.”

Duck adds their names to the “Miami” list. He pauses, and writes “Minerva”, “Duck”, and “Juno” under “Brazil”.

“Forgot about us,” he mumbles, and turns back around. “Aubrey and Dani?”

“Mark us down as ‘TBD’,” says Aubrey. “We haven’t decided yet.”

“Okay,” says Duck, and makes a third list titled “Incapable of Making A Decision.” Aubrey objects to this. Duck doesn’t care.

Jake and Hollis are road-trip only, and Duck puts away the chalk. 

“Cool.” Duck says, and then sits down.

There is awkward silence.

“Was there another purpose to this meeting, or…” Hollis trails off. 

Indrid takes this moment to rip the absolutely largest vape cloud Duck has ever seen.

“We’re taking my RV,” Indrid says in his cloud of cotton candy flavored vapors. “Rules of my RV are as follows. One,” he puts up a finger. “No narcs. Two, no shoes in the RV.”

“Is that so it doesn’t get dirty?” Aubrey asks, and Indrid shakes his head.

“No, I just like feet.”

The room groans. 

“Petition to nullify rule two?” Mama raises her hand.

“Seconded,” says everyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kind of a filler chapter, which, sorry. but the good news is we're ROAD TRIPPIN next chapter yall!!


	6. Novelty Underpants and Sleepy Thacker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jake and Hollis play truth or dare. Barclay and Stern finish packing. Mama passes off the keys to the lodge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to put in this chapter after all. Sorry for the confusion :)
> 
> Chapter CW's: mild sexual content. Mentioned Hollis's trauma.

“Only once, but it was really good.”

Jake looks up from his suitcase and raises an eyebrow. “Really?”

Hollis smirks, dangling upside down off of Jake’s bed. “Your turn. Truth or dare?”

It’s the night before they leave for the road trip, and Jake has invited Hollis to stay the night. To save them time in the morning, he thinks he said, or something like that. Neither of them bring up the fact that Hollis stays here more nights than not, or that the roll-out sleeping mat rarely makes an appearance anymore. 

“Truth,” Jake says, sitting and wiggling on his suitcase to try to pack everything tighter. It is not working. He considers, briefly, taking off his earring to get a little sylph weight behind his efforts.

“Hm.” says Hollis. “Shit. I didn’t actually think this far ahead. Um.” They flop off the bed, landing painfully on their face. “Ow.”

Jake laughs. “You dumb piece of shit!”

“Shut up! Uh, fuck, I dunno, what color underwear are you wearing?” As soon as this escapes their lips Hollis has a million regrets. 

Jake stops wiggling and pulls out his waistband slightly, looking down. He snorts. “Uh, what color are hot dogs?”

“What.”

“Like, brown? Yellowish? Reddish?”

“Jake. My dearest friend. My closest confidant. My bitch.” Hollis kneels in front of Jake and takes his hands, looking him square in the eyes. “Does your underwear have  _ little hot dogs on it?” _

Jake, of course, is completely unashamed. “Yup, and one big one. Truth or dare?”

“Oh my god I hate you so much.” Hollis takes a moment to compartmentalize the image of Jake in his fast food boxers for future consideration. “Uh, truth?” They realize that they are still holding Jake’s hands, and quickly move back to the bed.

Jake follows, sitting criss-cross on the bed. He starts, a bit awkwardly, “What was up with you at the meeting yesterday? You seemed real freaked.”

Aw, shit. Hollis had really hoped this wouldn’t come up again, but Jake is nothing if not consistently concerned, all the time, always. 

“ ‘t was nothing, just a loud noise, I’m fine,” Hollis convinces Jake, unconvincingly.

Jake says nothing, just keeps looking  _ way too deep  _ into Hollis’s eyes. They look away, to the hands clasped in their lap. 

“Stern is an accident waiting to happen,” Hollis continues, to fill the space. “I once saw him catch his own hair on fire.”

Jake exhales through his nose, eyes sparkling. “Okay, first of all, you  _ have  _ to tell me that story.” He hesitates. “But you’re hiding something from me, Holly. That wasn’t just being startled by a loud noise.” He takes Hollis’s hands in his again, and they fit just perfectly. “I know what trauma looks like. I can help, but you have to let me.”

Hollis takes a deep breath, and if it’s a little unsteady Jake doesn’t comment on it. “Later. I promise. I’m just not in the right headspace for this talk right now.”

Jake smiles, understanding, and Hollis can’t help but think that they really don’t deserve Jake Coolice.

“It’s my turn, then!” says Jake, and hums for a moment, “Dare.”

There is chaos in Hollis’s eyes, and Jake will regret everything ever. 

“I dare you to go ask Barclay …”

* * *

Barclay holds up a hawaiian shirt in each hand. The left has pineapples wearing sunglasses, and the right has sasquatches laying on lawn chairs drinking colorful drinks. 

“Is this too on-the-nose?” Barclay asks, gesturing to the sasquatch-patterned shirt. Joseph thinks for a moment.

“Another gift from Jake?”

Barclay laughs, and shakes his head no. “I did buy this one with my own free will.”

“Now I’m really worried about that fashion sense you claim to have,” Joseph teases fondly. 

Barclay folds up both shirts and puts them neatly on his suitcase, filling up the last free space at the top. He zips it up, and when he realizes that he zipped up the fake zipper that suitcase companies add to be difficult, he zips it up again. 

Barclay flops back-first onto the queen bed, groaning. 

“So glad that’s done. Hate packing.” Barclay sighs, closing his eyes. Joseph lies next to him on the plaid comforter.

“Yeah, I’m glad that’s over. Now we have time to do other things.”

Barclay turns to face Joseph, an eyebrow raised. “Oh?” he asks, innocently. “What kind of things?”

There’s mischief in Joseph’s eyes, a look that Barclay has become very familiar with and grown to love. 

A breath passes, and Joseph is straddling Barclay, pressing desperately against him. He kisses him furiously, passionately, and Barclay’s body is on fire. He tangles his hands in Joseph’s hair, clinging to him like a lifeline. Barclay’s big hands hold Joseph’s hips steady. 

Joseph snakes a hand under Barclay’s shirt. Barclay gasps.

“Why are your hands so cold?” Joseph silences him with a bruising kiss. 

Jake Coolice bursts in through the door. “Is it true what they say about people with big feet- OH MY GOD.”

Jake turns a shade of pink that matches his tacky windbreaker, and slams the door shut just as Joseph flings himself off the bed. He falls onto the carpet with a  _ thunk _ . 

Barclay puts his head in his hands. He will never live this down. From the ground beneath him, he hears Joseph sigh.

“Fuck.”

* * *

Mama knocks on the creaky wooden door of Thacker’s bedroom. Behind her, a beet-red Jake Coolice basically sprints down the hallway with Hollis, who is wheezing in laughter. She can deal with whatever that’s about later, she thinks. She waits thirty seconds, and when he still doesn’t come out she knocks again.

“Thacker!”

The man squeaks open the door, squinting at the hallway light. 

“Hnnngh what?” Thacker grumbles, four seconds from sleep.

Mama holds up the keys to the lodge in her hand. “Got somethin’ for ya.”

Thacker takes them out of her hands. “Thanks.”

“If you need anything don’t hesitate to call me,” says Mama, and Thacker smiles sleepily.

“Have a nice vacation, Maddie,” he says, and pats her on the head like a dog. Before she can object, he closes the door behind him, and within seconds Mama can hear snoring. 

Well. Now that that’s taken care of, she should really start packing. And maybe stop Jake and Hollis from waking everyone up.

* * *

12:31 PM

**Barclay:** Hey kid,

 **Barclay:** Any chance you could not tell anyone what you just saw?

 **Barclay:** Please?

 **Jakey Boi 🤙:** uh hollis already knows but they were there

 **Barclay:** Fuck.

 **Jakey Boi 🤙:** i won't tell anyone else tho

 **Jakey Boi 🤙:** tbh it would be tubular if we never talked about it again

 **Barclay:** Thanks, Jake. <3

 **Jakey Boi 🤙:** no probs b

 **Jakey Boi 🤙:** i love u

 **Barclay:** Love you too, kiddo.

 **Barclay:** Tell Hollis I say hello.


	7. One-On-One Basketball and One Black Coffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Juno wants something she can't have. Duck's credit card gets declined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did actually have a different chapter that would have been between chapters 5 and 6, ~~but it was boring for me to write and I'm sure it would have been boring for y'all to read. maybe ill stick the hollis/jake truth-or-dare scene somewhere else.~~ and I decided to include it after all! The new chapter is now chapter 6, and this old chapter is chapter 7. Sorry for the confusion!
> 
> Chapter CW: extremely ambiguous sexual content reference. spoilers for the Ballad of Bigfoot

Okay, so here’s the thing. 

Juno is a lesbian. 

She’s known this since she was fourteen years old and she watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer the first time. And then she reaffirmed it, when she watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer the second time, and the third time, and the fourth. She was briefly the secretary of her community college’s GSA. She’d had a handful of girlfriends, and a few fingers’ worth of one night stands, and a bucketful of unwise crushes on straight girls.

Juno Divine is a lesbian, by identity and by practice. 

Or, she would be a lesbian, if it hadn’t been for one Duck Newton. Stupid, terrible-at-lying, cargo-pants enthusiast Duck Newton. Her best friend, Duck Newton. The one who was always there for her when she needed it most, and who cried in her arms when things went wrong. That Duck Newton.

She knows that Duck would never consider her as a romantic option, for a few reasons. Because of her identity, yes. Because of their lifelong friendship, also yes. Because of Minerva, double yes. 

Sometimes, when she’s doing her solo rounds across the forest, she’ll allow her mind to wander to what could have been. If things had been different, would she have called Duck hers? Would they be happy together? Juno thinks so. 

Other times, when she can’t sleep and feels the sighs of the lonely aching across her soul, she fantasizes about other things, too. How gentle Duck would be, if things were different. Late nights with whispered promises and softer sighs. His thick hands holding her close, and her slender ones stroking up and down his spine. She thinks about the fireplace in her apartment, and how they might bask in its warmth when the winter came. Her fuzzy rug is so soft, and would feel so nice against the skin on her back. 

She thinks about his fingers a lot. She pretends that her fingers are his when she keeps herself company. Sometimes she feels guilty afterwards. Mostly, she feels sad. 

And don’t get her wrong. She likes Minerva. She really does. The woman (?) is strong, and smart, and one of the most endearing people she has ever met. Juno would be lying if she said she wasn’t at least a little gay for Minerva. She just also happens to have the one thing that Juno wants more than anything. 

She thought that getting away from Kepler would be a great way to clear her head. It’s easier to conceptualize the other fish in the sea when you can swim outside the bowl. And she thinks it would have worked, too. At least a little bit. 

She watches as Duck explains the West Virginia radio stations to Minerva, who excitedly presses the buttons on the console. Her heart aches something fierce. 

Well, what’s one more thing that Juno can’t have. She’ll add it to the list, she thinks. Above “peanuts” but under “Duck Newton.” 

* * *

Duck pulls out of the lodge parking lot. His hands are steady on the wheel or the RV, and he drives the vehicle with a reasonable amount of proficiency. Beside him, Minnie fiddles with the radio buttons, bumping curiously between stations. 

Hollis and Jake scare the bajeezus out of him with their “road trip song,” which was a distastefully erotic and deeply unsettling song about mailmen and involved  _ way _ too much foot stomping. Barring that, though, the journey begins smooth and sound. 

He notices that the gas tank is only halfway filled. This isn’t a problem, necessarily, but Duck knows that there are long stretches of highway without rest stops, and he’d rather not risk it. So, he pulls into the Stop ‘n’ Pump ‘n’ Shop and hops out of the car.

The owner of the Stop ‘n’ Pump ‘n’ Shop waves to him and heads on over.

“Heya, Duck,” he says. “How will you be paying today? Cash, Credit, or one-on-one basketball?”

* * *

“D’ya think I should grab a snack while we’re here?” Barclay wonders aloud. “Some good and plentys, maybe?’

“NO.” Indrid almost shouts. He has a vision of the future thirty seconds from now, where Barclay exits the vehicle. “If you go out there, then you’ll run into the owner of the Stop ‘n’ Pump ‘n’ Shop and he’ll remember you from that time you pulled a gun on an athletic eleven-year-old!”

The light conversation flavoring the vehicle came to a screeching halt. 

“You WHAT?” Aubrey shrieks, torn between horrified and delighted.

Duck opens the door.

“Hey, uh, is anyone here good at one-on-one basketball? My card just got declined.”

* * *

“In my defense, he was really good at karate. It was so intimidating.”

Barclay glares at Indrid, who has the decency to look ashamed. Or, as ashamed as you can look vaping out the RV window. Really, he just looks mildly uncomfortable.

Joseph shakes his head. “So you pulled a real-life, weaponized, loaded gun on a child that had, like, a yellow belt? Jesus, Barclay.”

“It wasn’t like that!”

“Oh, so you didn’t pull a weapon on a sixth grader?” Aubrey’s shit-eating grin only gets wider as Barclay tries to explain himself.

“First of all, the gun wasn’t loaded, and I had a permit!” Barclay scrambles for some semblance of explanation. “Also, that kid was not a normal child. I’m pretty sure he was part-boy-part-car by the end of the night. And he was smooth. Way too smooth for a young man of his age.”

Thankfully, the interrogation stops as Aubrey spots a familiar golden arch in the distance.

“McDonalds! McDonalds!” she cries, pointing. Jake and Hollis join in the chant. “McDonalds! McDonalds! McDonalds!”

Minerva is delighted by this, and also chants “McDonalds!” She says it in a way that sounds entirely foreign in her mouth, but she seems happy to be included.

Duck sighs, and flips on his turn signal. The RV explodes in cheers as he pulls into the drive-thru. 

Duck orders one black coffee for himself, and pulls back onto the open road. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN the mailmen song is based on the song we always sing at the beginning of my marching band’s road trips. True to canon, it is indeed distastefully erotic and deeply unsettling. perhaps some lyrics will make an appearance later on. perhaps not. 
> 
> also, Juno’s identity struggles are loosely based on my own experiences, so do with that what you will but pls dont be mean about it. 
> 
> love y’all


	8. Late Night Driving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duck and Barclay add +1 bond. Indrid is terrible at writing itineraries.

There’s something poetic about an open road, Duck thinks. Fading white stripes racing to his left, lurking archaic forests to his right. He looks out into the darkened trees. The shadws are so dark that he can imagine each black splotch is a cavern, reaching deep into the earth. There’s a light breeze, not enough to make the trees shake, but enough to make them shiver.

It’s quiet, too. Duck likes the quiet a whole lot. That’s a big part of the appeal of being a forest ranger to him. His best shifts are just him, and the wildlife, and the trees, punctuated only by the rustles of branches and the distant calls of lonely birds. Now, the only thing he can hear is the humming of tires on the rugged country road. It’s perfect.

He sits in the passenger seat beside Barclay, who was assigned to night driving duty. It’s not too far of a drive to Nashville, only seven hours or so, but by the time they pulled out of the Stop ‘n’ Pump ‘n’ Shop, and with the added time when they had stopped for dinner, they wouldn’t be arriving until early in the morning the next day. Duck doesn’t mind late nights and early mornings. He’s never been great at sleeping, and being awake in the quiet hours when no one else is alive to the world is better than any eight hours of dreams he could muster. 

He looks over at Barclay, whose deep brown eyes are trained on the road ahead. Barclay looks deep in thought, and Duck half-heartedly wonders what’s going on inside his head. As much time as he spends at the lodge, Duck really hasn’t spent that much time with Barclay. He seems to like gardening, from what Duck can tell, and obviously has a passion for cooking. 

“You doing okay?” Duck asks, voice quiet and rough from not being used for a few hours. He looks to the back of the RV, where the rest of the group is asleep. He doesn’t want to disturb them, so he keeps his voice low. 

Barclay glances over at him before fixing his eyes back on the road. “Yeah. Not too tired yet, if that’s what you’re asking.” His voice is also soft, matching the dulcet vibes of the dark open road.

Duck hums. “Good. Lemme know if you wanna switch.” 

“Thanks, Duck. I will.”

Duck looks back out the window. Maybe now is the time to try to get to know Barclay better.

“Is there, uh, anything you’re real interested in doin’ on this trip?” Duck asks, rubbing the back of his neck. He was never good at small talk. 

“Uh,” Barclay’s eyes dart up, thinking. “I’m excited to try the different cuisines everywhere we go. I’ve heard Nashville has some great food, and Miami too. I’m also really excited for the music stuff there?”

“Same here, “ Duck says. “I wanna check out the country music hall of fame they’ve got.”

Barclay’s eyes light up, and he sits up a little straighter. “Wait, really? That was like, the first thing I put on my list.”

“No kiddin’! Have ya looked at the exhibits they have goin’ right now?”

“Yeah, I’m hoping to see the John Denver stuff?”

Duck grins. “Dude, John Denver is my  _ favorite. _ I listen to his stuff whenever I drive anywhere!”

Barclay laughs softly. “Me too, but probably for a different reason.” When Duck raises an eyebrow, he clarifies. “I got a CD stuck in my car and it’s the only thing I can play since, like, 2007.”

Duck snorts. “Which album?”

They chat for a while, trading favorite John Denver songs and stories about where they were the first time they heard “Country Roads, Take Me Home.” Barclay had been in a rest stop somewhere up west, and Duck had been seven years old at a barbeque. Soon, they move onto other topics, like cooking (Duck can’t without burning the kitchen down), Barclay’s nail polish (“I haven’t painted my nails in years,” Duck says. “It would be different now, of course, but I could see myself getting into it. It looks real nice on you”), and favorite places in Kepler. 

They stop talking when they hear a groaning noise behind them. Indrid sits up, white hair stuck up in all directions, glasses askew.

“Are we there yet?” he asks, rubbing at his face. 

Duck smiles fondly. “Almost,” he promises, and Indrid grumbles and moves to sit at the base of Duck’s seat.

“Welcome to my personal bubble, I guess,” chuckles Duck, petting him on the top of his head like a puppy. If Indrid were more awake, he would probably be offended, but now he leans against Duck’s legs and puts his chin on his knee. 

“Stern is going to wake up in four minutes. Probably.” Indrid says. “Mm. Maybe. Statistics.” He flops his hand lazily. 

Duck nods in acknowledgement. Barclay, though, gets a tiny smile on his face, like he’s trying to stop himself from reacting, but that just makes him want to smile more. Hm. Interesting.

Duck remembers something. “Now that you’re back on Earth, does Leo not have prophecy powers anymore?”

Indrid groans again, clearly wanting physical affection and no conversation. “Eh. Not really. It’s like. A timeshare. But also like we live there at the same time. We’re time roommates. Or something.”

Duck snorts. “Thanks. That cleared it up.” Indrid just shoves his face against Duck’s leg again.

“Sooo,” Duck swallows, wondering if he wants to be nosy. He does. “You and Stern, huh?”

Barclay sighs. “Was it that obvious?”

“No. I mean, yes. I mean. You just looked like someone told you you’d get a million dollars in four minutes instead of, like, a sleepy 40-year-old in pajamas.”

“Damn,” says Barclay. “Yeah. We’re not really telling anyone though. Privacy is really important to me, and Joe didn’t want it to be this big thing.”

“I get that,” Duck says. “So it’s new?”

“Eh. Not really.” Barclay shrugs. “A year and some?”

Duck raises both eyebrows. “Damn, Barclay! That’s a long time.”

Despite himself, Barclay smiles. “Yeah, it is, isn’t it.” He bites his lip. “Duck, I, uh, know you can’t really lie, but could you just hold off on telling people? I wasn’t kidding about how much I value my privacy.”

Duck smiles. “Yeah, I can do that. Can’t promise what’ll happen if someone asks me directly though.”

“That’s fair.” An awkward silence, with just the sound of the road and light mothman snores. “You seeing anyone?” Barclay nods pointedly towards the mothman sprawled on Duck’s feet.

“Definitely not this nerd, if that’s what you’re implying,” Duck laughs. “He’s like my weird nephew, but he’s older? I don’t know. I don’t have the words. He’s like my manic pixie dream girl but in a platonic way?”

Barclay laughs. “Oh my god. Manic moth prophetic vision boy.”

Duck snorts loudly and covers his face with his hands. 

“Did someone say moth man?” says a voice behind Barclay, and they see Joseph roll to sit up. 

“Good morning, Joseph,” says Duck through a lapful of moth. He waves and blinks. 

“Morning.”

“Barclay and I just discussed plans for the trip,” says Duck, because it’s technically the truth. “What were you lookin’ forward to?”

Joseph lights up. “I’m so glad you asked!” he says, instantly more awake. Indrid shushed him and he blushes.

“Sorry, I got excited.” Joseph continues, quieter. “I made a projected itinerary of all the things I’d like to see! Well, it’s more a list of things with potential dates and times.”

Barclay shakes his head fondly. “Of course you did.”

“I also made an itinerary,” says Indrid, handing a wrinkly legal pad to Duck.

“Where did this come from?” Duck looks at Indrid’s loose black tank top and pocketless grey sweatpants. And then, after glancing at the list, asks, “Why does it say “Friday, 4:35 PM. Duck Newton has an unsatisfying poop in a gas station restroom”? What the hell, Indrid?”

He skims the rest of the first page. 

* * *

| WED 7/8, 11:45 PM - Jake regrets playing truth or dare >:-)

| THU 7/9, 9:50 AM - leave 4 road trip !!!!

| SAT 7/11, entire day - everyone hates barclay and duck >:-(

| THU 7/9, 7:22 AM - Minerva sees a rolly-polly for the first time and is delighted :D 

| THU 7/9, 9:56 AM - Juno pining sad-boi-hours :-(

| FRI 7/10, 1:30 PM - Joseph and Juno surprise bonding <3

| THU 7/9, 6:03 PM - Hollis finds a hair in their food-court dinner. :0

* * *

Before he can continue, Indrid snatches the notepad back. 

“You probably shouldn’t read this,” he says. “Sometimes it’s nice for the future to be a surprise. I assume.”

Indrid’s probably right. Duck moves Indrid’s head off his legs, and offers his seat to Joseph.

“I’m gonna start waking people up,” Duck explains. “We’re almost there, and Aubrey takes a long time to get out of bed.” That was a lesson he’d learned when she’d stayed at his apartment. Nothing short of a miracle could get her out of bed in less than an hour. 

As he moves between sleeping figures, whispering and lightly shaking, he thinks about Indrid’s itinerary. Most of it was mundane, if a bit intrusive, but there was one thing that stuck out to him.  _ Juno pining _ . Usually, whenever Juno liked someone, she would tell him about it. They were best friends, that’s just what they did. If she was having feelings for someone, why wouldn’t she tell him? Plus, Juno was not a shy woman. Duck had seen her make moves on all sorts of women without breaking a sweat. Juno and ‘pining’ barely seemed to fit in the same sentence together.

He walks past Jake and Dani, to where Minerva and Juno are curled up in the back. Minerva is wrapped around Juno, cradling the smaller woman in her strong arms. Juno looks content in her sleep, twisting her ankles with Minerva’s. They look real cute like this, Duck thinks, and snaps a picture on his phone before waking them up. 

Something clicks. A couple of weeks ago, Juno had called Minerva his girlfriend. That wasn’t true, Duck thinks, but he hadn’t gotten around to correcting her. (He purposefully chooses to ignore how good it feels to hear. That doesn’t mean anything.) Now, seeing the two of them cuddling, Duck has a realization.  _ Juno has feelings for Minerva _ . 

It makes so much sense. Juno has always loved strong women, and Minerva is definitely her type. Plus, she would never make a move on her if she thought Duck liked Minerva. She’s too good of a friend. 

_ Well, _ thinks Duck.  _ I have to fix this. I have to set up Juno with Minerva. _

Something aches in his chest, and he pushes it back down. He’s always had a bit of a jealous streak, but he tells himself that he’s being irrational. They’ll still have time for him and their friendship if they start dating. That’s obviously what he would be upset about, and nothing else. Duck will set up Juno with Minerva, and he has no negative feelings about that. Obviously. 

In the front of the Winnebago, Duck hears Indrid cross something off the list. Hope that wasn’t anything bad. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me, writing this chapter: damn, I have to pick a timeline for this fic now.
> 
> Kind of different vibes this chapter, but I was on a roll. Eh, whatever. Can you tell I'm a slut for dramatic irony?


	9. Museums and Hula Hoops

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barclay parks the RV. Mama and Minnie listen to some blues music. Indrid tries a new hobby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s been a few days. Whoops, my bad. I moved across the country though! Well, moved back to campus. Well, off-campus. And what a senior year this will be. Only eight more days of self-isolation before I can hang out with my housemates.
> 
> Chapter CW's: loss/mourning, food

The Winnebago pulls into Nashville around eight. By then, everyone has more or less woken up, with the exception of Aubrey who is still face-down on the carpet. Jake lightly kicks her in the ribs, and she only groans in response. 

Barclay puts the vehicle in park, and turns around to face everyone.

“So, we’re here,” he says, drawing everyone’s attention. “We’re parking at this RV park, so this is kind of our home base. Go out and do whatever, but we’re leaving at nine tomorrow so be back by then. They have some rooms here if you want a real bed. Also, Duck and I are going to the Country Music Hall of Fame if anyone wants to come. Okay. Good talk. See ya.”

Indrid speaks up, “I texted the address of this RV park to the groupchat so no one gets lost. Looking at you, Jake.”

“Hey!”

“You get lost in 80% of the futures, cool it.”

“It’s pronounced Coolice.”

* * *

The Country Music Hall of Fame is a magnificent building, Minerva thinks. A dozen wide stairs lead up to a beautiful half-arc of windows in groupings of twos and threes. She hasn’t been much impressed with Earth’s architecture as of yet, but this monument to music is truly something to behold. 

The inside is somewhat less impressive. Minerva would think that a museum dedicated to the greatest musicians in the country would put more effort into their displays, or, at the very least, have some ceremonial flames, but she guesses that there is a reason for the apparent lack of ceremony.

Barclay and Duck Newton had bolted to the “John Denver” exhibit as soon as they crossed the threshold into the building, which wasn’t surprising considering it was all they had talked about the entire walk over. Minerva has listened to a few of the man’s songs by osmosis, and quietly doesn’t see what was so great about them. Not that she would ever say that to Duck Newton. Instead, she wanders, a touch aimlessly, through the museum. 

She finds herself in an area deemed “Blues.” On the wall are dozens of headphones, each containing a different song. This is quite an invention, Minerva thinks. She imagines it would get very loud if these songs were played through louder speakers.

Still, as she listens to each of them, she finds herself thinking, not about Earth music, but about her own culture. Or, what used to be hers. 

One song in particular pulls her deep into thought. She listens to it once, then twice, and then loses track of where the song begins and where it ends. The placard says it is named “All Night Long,” by an artist called Lobo Loco. And it hurt. It hurts like home.

She must have been standing there for quite some time, because she feels a soft hand on her arm. It’s Madeline Cobb.

“Are y’alright, Minnie? You look like you’re hurtin’ something fierce.”

Is she that transparent?

“I worry you may find it foolish, Madeline Cobb. It is not of great importance.”

Madeline Cobb looks at her for a long second. Then, she places a calloused hand on Minerva’s arm.

“If it’s worryin’ you, then it’s important to me,” Madeline Cobb says, wrinkled eyes meeting Minerva’s own with an unexpected level of concern.

“I just,” starts Minerva after a minute. “It just. This melody reminds me of my home planet, is all. I feel… a certain melancholy.”

Madeline Cobb huffs. “Well that’s certainly a big “all,” ain’t it.” Minerva meets her with a confused gaze, and she sighs. “Minerva, it’s okay to miss home. It’s okay to be sad about what you’ve lost. Lord knows you don’t have to pretend to be alright for me.”

Minerva finds herself unable to respond to this. She coughs, and when she hides the air she finds a telling wetness glistening on her  _ glema _ . She wipes it away quickly. 

“Do you have any children, Madeline Cobb?” Minerva asks instead.

“I’d reckon the goofballs at the lodge are as close to kids as I’d like to get.”

“That is touching, Madeline Cobb.” Minerva smiles sadly. “I did, once. Have a family, I mean.”

“Oh, Minnie.”

“Not in the way that Earth customs typically create children, of course,” Minerva sniffs. “Our biology is… a touch different from yours. And we did not have this “nuclear family” I hear so much about on the television situational comedies. But there were young ones under my care, once.” She sniffs again. “Not anymore.”

“Oh honey, c’mere,” says Madeline Cobb, and she draws Minerva into a warm hug. Minerva’s hands hover uncertainly in the air behind her, before resting lightly on her back. 

“There’s somethin’ to be said for findin’ comfort where you can,” says Madeline Cobb. “Speakin’ of which, you wanna get some ice cream? Duck ‘n Barclay are gonna be here all day, I bet, and I could go for somethin’ sweet.”

“That sounds lovely, Madeline Cobb,” says Minerva.

She shakes her head. “Please, call me Maddie. I’d like to think we’re close enough for that.”

* * *

Gosh, Indrid loves Earth.

He walks down the streets of Nashville with a swaggered gait, milkshake in one hand and a fried pickle in the other. He passes a street artist who, inexplicably, has coated themselves head-to-toe in silver paint and is doing a dance Jake Coolice would describe as “the robot.” Indrid puts a few coins in the (also silver) hat at their feet, sticking the pickle between his teeth to reach his duct-tape wallet. 

Earth fucking rules.

Indrid has a pep in his step when he passes a hand-drawn chalkboard sign. 

**|| ~ INTRO TO HULA HOOP DANCE ~ ||**

Now this, he has to see.

* * *

**[Pine Trees and Hornets (please don’t fuck bees)]**

3:45 PM

**manic moth vision boy:** dontcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me

**manic moth vision boy:** [image description: Indrid Cold, wearing his standard tank top and red sunglasses, has five hula hoops circling his thin frame, seemingly in motion. He is grinning an unnervingly wide smile and taking a selfie in the dance studio mirror. A handful of middle aged white women gawk at him in the background.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so i took some creative liberties in this chapter. i know john denver isn’t in the country hall of fame (although he totally should be!) . im also not sure if blues music would be there but u know,,,


	10. Food Tours and Parthenon Picnic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Juno and Joseph go on a food tour. The kids have a picnic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter CW's: food
> 
> The wifi in my college house is so shitty I have to sit on the floor leaning against my door to use it. ugh. my tailbone hurts

To be honest, Juno really hadn’t had a solid plan for Nashville. She hasn’t had a solid plan for any of this, really. Two weeks ago, she’d had a solo plane ticket from the Morgantown Municipal Airport to Fort Lauderdale to Brazil. Now, she has a shitty RV filled with cryptids and a week-long road trip to get through. Well, she’s nothing if not flexible.

“Where are you heading to?” Stern asks her. They had started walking in the same direction by coincidence.

Juno hems. “I’m not really sure,” she admits. “I was just gonna wander around and see what I see.”

Stern laughs. “That sounds like fun!” 

“Heh, you think?” Juno shakes her head. “What about you?”

“I signed up for this local food tour!” Stern lights up. “It’s supposed to take me on a journey through Nashville,” he wiggles his fingers, “I’m really excited about it! I love trying the food of wherever I end up visiting. It was one of my favorite things about travelling for work.”

“Huh.” says Juno. “That sounds like a real nice time. What kind of places did you get to go?” She hasn’t spent too much time with Stern, certainly not while he was still investigating Kepler. He seems nice enough, but she’s always been a little hesitant around big-boss types.

“I think my favorite place I’ve been to was in upstate New York. There’s a lot of family-owned restaurants there and there was this one Ethiopian place that I still have dreams about. They’re also really into vegan eating, which I love! There’s supposed to be some vegan restaurants on this tour today and I literally cannot wait.”

At this, Juno’s stomach grumbles. “That sounds real good right about now.”

“Do you want to come with?” Stern asks, gesturing down the street. His arm smacks a street sign and he curses, rubbing the hastily reddening spot. 

“Are you sure? I don’t want to interrupt if you were planning on some alone time.”

Stern shakes his head. “I’d like the company,” and he sounds so earnest Juno can’t help but smile.

“Then yeah. Let’s go!”

* * *

**[Pine Trees and BEES? (please fuck hornets)]**

6:13 PM

**Holly Jolly:** selkie my ass

**Holly Jolly:** [image description: Jake Coolice sits on a blanket in front of the Parthenon. He has two chopsticks coming out of his mouth, bearing great resemblance to a walrus. Next to him, Dani lounges across Aubrey’s lap, caught mid-laugh with lettuce falling out of her mouth. Aubrey looks down at her with a fond smile and some ketchup on her face.]

**Jakey 🏂🤙🐬** : is that a request or,,,

**🔥** **Aubrey** **🔥** **:** gross

* * *

“What made you want to be a forest ranger?” Joseph asks, sipping his root beer with abandon. The straw slips out of his mouth and a small stream of root beer hits him on the forehead.

“I like trees,” says Juno, and then she laughs. “Wait, no, that sounds really lame. Lemme try again. Uh. I got a degree in conservation biology. Nature’s important to me, and I feel like being a forest ranger helps me take care of the earth in the same way it’s taken care of me.”

Joseph hums. “That’s a really nice sentiment, Juno. I’m glad you’ve found a job that feels important to you.”

A waitress comes to the end of their table with two plates in hand. “Two vegan?” and puts the plates down in front of them.

“Oh, you’re a vegan too?” Juno asks, pulling her plate closer to her. 

“Nah,” says Joseph. “It’s just easier to ask for something vegan than to try to explain kosher stuff and hope people get it right.”

“I guess that makes sense,” says Juno. “Is there a lot of overlap between the two?”

Joseph wiggles his hand in a so-so-motion, knocking the ketchup bottle clear off the table. “Shit.” He leans over to pick it back up. “Sort of? Do you want the short explanation or the long one?”

Juno leans forward and puts her chin in her hand. “Let’s go long. I would love to learn more about it. I mean, if you’re okay with that.”

Joseph beams. “Absolutely! Okay, so I feel like the most well-known thing is that we don’t eat pork, right? So that’s a gimme. There’s lots of rules about what kinds of meat you can eat, but for the most part it’s okay to eat as long as it’s not pig, rabbit, or certain cuts of beef. Like, you can’t eat kangaroo meat or, like, a bald eagle, but that comes up less often.”

Juno snorts. “Aw man, bald eagle stew? You’re really missing out. So much patriotism gone to waste.”

“I know, it’s a real bummer,” Joseph laughs. “I mean, how else am I going to symbolically suck off George Washington?’

Juno takes a quick breath and inhales a large portion of her root beer, spiralling into a coughing fit.

“I’m dead,” she coughs. “I’ve died and now I’m a ghost.” She gestures for him to continue.

“You good?” Joseph’s eyebrows wrinkle together, and Juno nods. “Okay. So we divide food into three categories. There’s meat. Which. Self explanatory. And then dairy. Which. You know. And then there’s pareve, which is anything that’s not meat or dairy. And that includes stuff like fish, eggs, fruits and veggies, etcetera, etcetera.” 

He takes a bite.

“So the main thing with that is that you can’t mix meat and dairy, and that’s the thing a lot of people forget about. Pareve can go with whatever. There’s a lot of other rules about making sure animals are slaughtered according to Jewish laws, and using different sets of kitchenware for meat and dairy, and there’s different rules during Passover, but that’s the gist of it.”

“That’s really interesting,” Juno chews a bit and swallows. “The vegan thing makes more sense now. Are all vegan foods kosher by default?”

Joseph wiggles his hand again, but keeps an eye on the ketchup container. 

“Ish? Like, there’s the issue with cross contamination, and you have to make sure no insects get in. There’s also some stuff about wine and how it’s made. I personally don’t worry too much about the more minute details, just due to the nature of travelling for work.”

He takes a long sip of the root beer, and smiles. 

“When I joined the FBI and started doing field missions, I realized that sometimes 100% kosher stuff wouldn’t always be available, and I’ve had to make do with what I’ve got. Like, I can’t always ask about the slaughter practices of hamburgers, or if they checked the salad for bugs. But I like to think that what I’m doing is enough.”

Just then, the tour guide came around to their table. 

“Hey y’all!” she drawls. “We’re heading to the next location now. Meet us in the front of the restaurant in a minute or so, cool?”

Joseph asks, “Are you ready to go?” and stands up, holding out his arm. 

Juno grins and takes his arm. “Hell yeah. Onto the next adventure!”

* * *

**~ ~** **Indrid’s WaCkY Road Trip Itinerary** **~ ~**

| FRI 7/10, 1:30 PM - Joseph and Juno surprise bonding <3

| FRI 7/10, 8 PM - uh oh! there was only one bed ;)

***note to self → do  NOT let duck eat the shrimp in atlanta***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not Jewish, so please let me know if I got anything wrong so I can fix it!
> 
> luv y'all
> 
> -egg


	11. Cowboy Hats and Forking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uh oh! There were only four rooms! Now with extra howdy's.

Joseph and Juno roll up to the RV park with a few takeout bags and a matching pair of smiles. Indrid, wearing just the most delightful cowboy hat, tails closely behind them.

They step inside a small, slightly worn-down building that has a neon sign lettering.

“Rooms for Reut.”

‘I think they may have put that ‘n’ upside down, there,” says Joseph, and Juno giggles. 

Inside, a small group of tourists are scattered around. A few people are waiting in line for a harried-looking woman behind a rustic wooden counter. Barclay and Duck are among them, and wave them over.

“Howdy, y’all!” says Indrid with a shit-eating grin, and Duck rolls his eyes. 

“Hey ‘drid,” Duck says. “What did ya get up to today?”

Indrid wraps his arms around Duck’s soft frame, chin resting on his broad shoulders. “I went on a tour of all the fancy bathrooms! It was most delightful.’

Duck laughs and shakes his head. “Of course you did.” He looks at Juno and Joseph. “What about y’all?”

As Joseph spills his bag of leftovers explaining the food tour, Mama and Minerva walk through the squeaking wooden doors. 

“Howdy,” Indrid greets them, tipping his cowboy hat.

“Howdy.” Mama looks him up and down with mirth in her eyes.

“Howdy.” says Duck. 

“Howdy,” says Joseph, because he wants to be included.

“Howdy!” booms Minerva, whose powerful voice echoes across the room and quiets many nearby conversations. 

“Howdy.” says Duck again.

“Please, Duck, we can’t keep doing this,” says Juno, fingers pinching the bridge of her nose in the classic “the-adventure-zone-NPC” move. 

The front desk employee hands a set of keys to the young couple ahead of them, and waves them up to the counter. 

“Hi, welcome to the Safe Harbor RV Resort and Lodge,” says the woman with absolutely no intonation. “What can I get for you today?”

“We’d like some rooms, please,” Indrid says, handing over his debit card.

“Uh, are you together?” The woman asks, taking in the group ahead of her, and they nod.

“We’re running a little short on rooms tonight unfortunately, so-” “-some of you may have to share.” Indrid finishes the sentence with her.

“Aw beans,” says Barclay, who is putting a little too much effort into looking disappointed. “How many rooms are there left?”

The woman scrolls her mouse. “Uh, one with two beds and three with one bed.”

“Gonna be honest, I’m a little too old to be sharin’ a bed with one of you youngins,” says Mama, and the woman hands her a key. 

“Every future where I don’t get a bed to myself ends with me kicking someone in the head,” says Indrid. 

“Are you lying about that to get your own room?”

Indrid smirks, “Maybe,” and grabs a key.

“Uh,” says Duck. “So I’m assuming you and Barclay will room together-” he gestures at Stern, only to receive a Look™ from Barclay. “Uh, forrr. Reasons. Because they are. Um. Besties. I mean. Because I need to share a room with Minnie and Juno for. Friendship. Reasons. Yeah.”

“Just go before you hurt yourself,” sighs Barclay, and takes the key and Joseph to the end of the hall. 

“That was painful to watch,” says Juno, clapping a hand on Duck’s shoulder. “Do I want to know?”

“Please don’t ask me anything for the next hour.”

* * *

“Soooo,” Joseph leans casually against the door of their room. “What was up with Duck?”

Barclay sits down on the bed, which creaks under his weight. “He’s weirdly perceptive, you ever notice that?”

“Hm,” Joseph pops off the doorframe and goes to sit next to Barclay. “I guess so. To be honest I haven’t spent that much time with him.” He pauses, a bit awkwardly. “I’m assuming he figured it out?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s cool. Was bound to happen eventually, right? I mean, we’re not exactly subtle.”

Barclay blinks. 

“Wait, really?”

Joseph smiles, and it’s that shy, reassuring smile that Barclay loves so dearly.

“Yeah, it’s not worth worrying about. I mean, unless you’re worried about it?” His eyebrows knit together.

“No, no,” Barclay says quickly. “I’m good. I just thought you would be more upset by that, is all.”

Joseph reaches out and takes one of Barclay’s (big) hands in his. “Honestly, I was mostly worried about what Madeline would think. I know how important she is to you, and I can’t say I made the best impression.”

Barclay snorts and shakes his head.  _ Understatement of the century.  _

“What changed your mind?” He asks instead.

“I still care about what she thinks, but if she doesn’t trust me by now, I don’t think she ever will.” Joseph rubs his thumb over Barclay’s wrist. “Plus, I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I’m kind of tired of having to sneak around.”

“Yeah, me too.” says Barclay. “I want to be able to do this all the time.” He gestures at their joined hands. “And this.” He brings Joseph’s light hand to his lips, pressing a gentle kiss to it. “And this.”

* * *

“So.” says Juno. 

“So.” says Duck.

“Shotgun!” says Minerva, jackknifing onto one of the beds. It squeals and bounces up and down. 

“I mean, I guess?” Juno shakes her head, putting her bag down. “So.”

“There are two beds and three of us.”

“Yup.”

“Might I suggest we push them together to create one megabed?” says a mound of pillows and blankets that might contain Minerva.

Duck nods. 

“That’s not a bad idea. Here, lemme h-”

The wooden bed frame creaked as Minerva lifted it up and moved it across the room. 

“-elp. Ah. You got it.”

Huh. Juno would have thought that Duck and Minerva would want to share a bed. Maybe they don't want to make her uncomfortable? Why would they think she would be more comfortable third-wheeling the bed? Juno is shook out of her thoughts when Minerva gestures for them to join her in. 

“I must say, I am certainly looking forward to forking with both of you!” Minerva beams. 

Duck trips over his own feel and faceplants into the megabed.

“I- what?”

“Do you. Do you mean spooning?” Juno wheezes. 

“Ah yes, that’s the one.”

“Unless…”

“Juno, please.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is this anything? idk y'all. what even is this. where am i going. where are they going. what year is it. 
> 
> follow me on tiktok at @egg1lybakes for taz/tma/ohc content if u want


	12. Resolved Misunderstandings and Academic Polyamory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JunoDuckNerva, the chapter. It's time. I am so tired. I just want them to be in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warnings: ‘queer’ as self-identifier and used academically. 
> 
> im so sorry about how long this has taken!!! school has started up again and i have accumulated the normal amount of Computer Science Major Suffering™ . 

“Seriously, through,” says Juno. “I know you guys are, like, together. I’m really cool with it if you guys want to take one bed and I can take the other. Megabed aside.”

Duck frowns. “What?” 

“I mean, don’t-- you know--  _ fork  _ or anything while I’m in the room-” Juno looks a little seasick when she says this, and Duck can only imagine what she’s thinking about. 

“Juno,” Duck says. “Minerva and I aren’t dating.”

Whatever Juno was about to say halts in her mouth. 

“You…” the gears are turning in her head. “You’re… not?”

“I think I would have noticed,” says Duck dryly. 

“I must admit I am not particularly familiar with Earth dating customs, but I do believe we have not been following them.” 

“I’m sure you must be happy to hear that,” says Duck without thinking. His eyes widen when he realises what he said. “Uh, I mean-”

Lots of emotions flash across Juno’s face before she shoves them all down under a mask of pseudo-anger.

“I, what- you  _ knew? _ ”

Duck stammers, “I didn’t, uh, not know about-”

“And now you’re just gonna be an asshole about it, huh. I get it if you don’t reciprocate, but you don’t have to be mean.” Juno rubs a hand across her face, and sits down hard on the megabed. “God, I feel so embarrassed.”

Minerva sits down on the bed next to her. “You have no reason to be embarrassed, Juno Divine. I am not entirely sure what we are talking about, but I am sure it is, as the teens say, valid.”

Juno just mashes her face into her hands. 

“If it helps,” Duck offers helpfully, “I’m rooting for you. Yes. Totally on board. One hundo. Go get ‘er, tiger.”

Juno sniffs once, and sits back up. “Okay, now  _ I’m _ confused.”

“We are on the same book, then,” says Minerva, her wide hand a firm presence on the top of Juno’s head. Juno thinks she’s trying to be comforting, and it’s not  _ not  _ working. 

Juno turns to Duck. “What do you think you know?”

Duck looks at Minerva, then Juno, then Minerva, then at his feet, then at Juno again. “Are you sure you want me to say in front of… you know... “ His eyes dart to Minerva. 

“That was very subtle, Duck Newton,” says Minerva. “You are a master of stealth.”

Juno plants her face back into her hands. “It’s not like I have any dignity left anyways.” 

“Uh. Okay.” Duck shuffles to sit on the megabed also. “I thought that you have feelings for… you know…” He raises a hand in the general direction of Minerva.

Minerva points to herself, as if to say ‘ _ me?’ _ Duck nods.

“Uh,” Juno looks between Duck and Minerva. “Not that you aren’t my exact fantasy of a woman, Minerva, but me thirsting over you isn’t what I’ve been having an existential crisis over.”

Minerva’s mouth is an ‘o’ of delight. “Exact fantasy of a woman?”

“Yes, someone who can crush my head between her thighs and then take me to a nice dinner. Look. We don’t have to talk about this-”

“Did you hear that, Duck Newton? I am an exact fantasy of a woman!”

“Minerva, honey, I already knew this.”

“What is your exact fantasy of a woman, Duck Newton?”

“We’re not talking about me, Minnie-”

“Duck just wants someone to step on him-”

“Juno! I told you that in confidence! Not cool-”

“I would be happy to step on you if you so desire, Duck Newton-”

“Okay, enough!” Duck almost yells, silencing the other two. “Enough.” He repeats, quieter. “Juno, if you aren’t pining over Minerva, then what’s going on?”

Juno stares at her knees. After a moment, she says, quietly, “I don’t want this to change anything.”

“It won’t. We won’t let it. Juno, please. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I…” Juno straightens her back decidedly. “I like you, Duck. Fuck. I like you a lot. Too much, maybe.” She sighs. “You’re my best friend, Duck. I don’t want things to be weird.”

Duck.exe has stopped working.

“Well this is cause for great celebration! You should begin your courting ritual immediately!” Minerva claps her hands together excitedly. “Am I invited to be a part of this wonderful event?”

Duck gapes at her. Juno also gapes at her.

“This is a yes or no question, Juno Divine and Duck Newton!” Minerva says, unaware of the spontaneous brain-freeze occurring in both of their heads. 

“I. What?” Juno has a hard time comprehending this. She’s still worried about what Duck is thinking, of course, but the idea of her and Duck AND Minerva flushes all other thoughts out of her head and now she can think of nothing but . Well. You know.

“I simply asked if I can be a part of your courting ritual!” Minerva booms. “I would be interested in participating, if I have not made myself clear, but I would have no negative feelings if the two of you did not reciprocate!”

Juno tries her best to repress her internal horny crimes. “You’re… interested?”

“Yes!” Minerva grins. “I do apologize if I had made this unclear.” She hesitates, bright smile slipping just a little. “Is this not acceptable by Earth standards?”

“Hey, no, don’t be upset,” says Juno, taking Minerva’s large, warm hands into her own. “It’s not super common but it’s not unacceptable!”

Minerva breathes a sigh of relief. “Oh, good! You had me quite worried there for a moment.”

Duck continues to stare at the two of them.

“Uh,” Juno waves a hand in front of Duck’s face. “Earth to Duck?”

“What?” Duck shakes his head. “Right. Sorry. This is just. A lot.”

“Of course, Duck Newton,” Minerva says. “Take your time.” She turns her attention back to Juno. “You said plurality courtships are uncommon here on Earth? I would be interested in learning more about traditional Earth relationships.”

“Hell yeah,” says Juno, who has done a considerable amount of readings in queer academia and finally has someone to infodump on. 

* * *

**Pine Trees and Horny-ets**

12:04 AM

**Holly Jolly:** Just gals being pals. 

**Holly Jolly** : [Image Description: Aubrey is asleep with her head in Dani’s lap. Dani, who is sitting cross-legged against a wall in the RV, has a hand in Aubrey’s thick red hair. Her expression is one of pure love. Barely noticeable, in a reflective surface behind her, you can see Jake Coolice with an identical expression, looking at Hollis]

**Jakey 🏂🤙🐬** : ew miss me with that gay shit  
  


* * *

“Hell, I didn’t even know you were bi, Minnie,” Duck blurts after a considerable amount of thought. This is not what he means to say, but it’s close enough that he decides to let it slide.

“Well, that is not the word I would use,” Minerva muses. “Gender really wasn’t a concept on Five, and I still struggle to remember its existence at times. I think you can understand how my attraction to others is not defined by this notion.”

Juno, who had taken a reasonably-sized handful of gender and sexuality studies in college and deems herself to be suitably knowledgeable in the field, nods wisely, automatically finding the labels and definitions that she thinks would suit Minerva and filing them away neatly in her head for a later conversation.

Duck, whose knowledge of gender is more practical than theoretical, only blinks. 

“Wait, are she/her still good pronouns for you? Shit, I’m sorry, I never thought to ask-”

“I did choose those pronouns for myself, Duck Newton, but I appreciate your concern. As did I choose the name ‘Minerva’.”

“Huh.”

“But,” Minerva continues. “Strange Earth conventions aside, I think that we are avoiding discussion of my proposal. I would be keen to hear your thoughts.”

“I’m going to be honest, Juno, I’d never really thought about you in that way,” Duck’s eyebrows knit together in thought. Beside him, Juno deflates.

“Oh. I. Uh. That’s okay,” she says, with a brave mask over her sad tone. “It’s cool. No worries. Cool beans.”

“Not that I wouldn’t!” Duck rushes. “I just didn’t, ya know, know that was an option. I thought you were a lesbian?”

“Eh.” Juno wiggles her hand around. “I’ve given this a lot of thought and I don’t think that label really fits me that well anymore.”

“That’s. Good.”

“Yuh.”

“Duck Newton, my dearest,” says Minerva. “I say this with the utmost respect for you, but you are a whole dumbass.”

“Hey!”

“You could not stand the idea of not being with Juno Divine so much that you decided to move to another continent rather than spend a season away from her.” Minerva raises one strong eyebrow. “I would not have suggested this without an appropriate amount of thought, Duck Newton.”

“I-” Duck frowns, and then smiles. “Huh. Yeah. I guess you’re right.”

“Well, for my two cents, this is kind of my ideal scenario,” Juno says. “And I know Duck totally has the hots for you, Minnie.” She pauses. “Oh! Do I get to call you Minnie now?”

“If you would like,” says Minerva in what might be flirting, but might also be a dust allergy.

“Stop deciding things for me!” says Duck, who often wants people to decide things for him but will never admit to it because of the whole “Chosen One” thing. 

“But,” he continues, and if it’s shaky no one comments on it, “I think that sounds mighty fine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found out that Juno’s last name is actually spelled “Devine” (according to the wiki), but I like it the other way better so I’m not going to change it.. Plus, the TMA wiki keeps spelling Jon’s name as ‘John’ so I won’t put too much faith in the fandom wiki pages.
> 
> Follow me on tiktok @eggilybakes for more podcast content


End file.
